Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
