i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Randomize
