girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
