Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
