I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Randomize
