Rock
Scissors
Fuck
We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Randomize
