remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
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