I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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