There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Randomize
