me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
its whatevr the fuvk you could ever want is wht it is. i dont wanna read. literacy? overated in my opinion. overated.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
