His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
