Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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