Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
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