remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Randomize
