He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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