How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
