Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
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