eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
