I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I have peed in a lot of sinks
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
