You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Randomize
