I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
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