so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Randomize
