New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
