Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
