I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Randomize
