Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
