I can text with my tongue
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
