hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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