I feel great
I just peed on a car
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
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