Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
