I wish I could punch you in the face.
I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
