i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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