Cold hands, warm shart.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
