Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
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