did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
