I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
