I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Randomize
