we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
