Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
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