i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
