Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
