i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
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