Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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