as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
