wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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