We're facebook friends in real life
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
