everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Randomize
