I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
