took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
