I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
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