The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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